So many things happening that.. Well ok, so many things that have happened that I just don't know what to do. Really. What do I do.. I have thought and talked a bit and cried even. But nothing really gives me any direction. Its all so... So rage filled I don't know. I say rage but I don't actually feel. But from not feeling I can gather I am eithe really angry or really upset or both. The only feel I get is just... Lost. Just feel lost.

I took a walk tonight. At 2130. It was nice cold air. It was dark so I didn't have to hide my face. I didn't have to hide the tears and the frustration. It was nice. In a way. But being alone and in the dark made me feel.. Everytime a car passed what if I.... Everytime there was a wall if I.... The darker parts of the streets.... I could just disappear.. No one would know. It would be quiet.. I'm so lost anyway. Lost lost lost lost lost. If I ran into someone who tried to hurt me tonight.. Would I have fought?? I don't know. I don't... Just lost.

Do I know everything?? Do I? Do I want to?? If what I know is so... So much. Or maybe the missing information is the better half? The part that made it all make sense.. Right? Maybe. Do I want to know? What do I do..????

I talked to one of my friends today. They said to me... I shouldn't have to worry about this kind of thing. These things.. The age I'm at, they're coming too soon, I should have things simpler. Well yeah... I suppose. If I thought like that I would only feel sorry for myself. Like, why me? Why do I always.... Because no, this is not the first where I have had to deal with something beyond me. Beyond what I should be. It's like I'm not 20. Cuz this and everything else makes me be someone else... And unfortunately there's no going back to what I should be. Should... I don't know what it would like to not have to worry about things like this, to not have to worry about different kinds of hurt or being... I shouldn't have to worry about.. I shouldn't have to think, I shouldn't even be considering those darker thoughts. But they're all nothing new, nothing. And I feel... Nothing.

06-09-08

It's called hurt and anger. And it's all so not new. So old. So regular. I shouldn't be surprised at all, and yet, every time I am. Idiocy. Stupidity. And as usual there's a certain element of self blame.. Just purely musing right now, do other people start the self blame? Or is that what gets me into these situations in the first place?? Do others automatically blame the one who is wronging them? I can see, I saw, witnessed myself the evidence. But still it wasn't an auto blame him. I saw the evidence and I thought, what did I do for this to happen. Not in the "why me" sense. But actually, what did I do, what am I lacking, what is it.... Because there has to be something. SOMETHING. And I just can't see it?

Doesn't change that I am still hurt and angry.. And when that fades.. What will I be? What will I feel when I can think and see again. And how long will that take...